Getting back on track

Today I have got back on track. In the past, there have been times when I have been very  good with diet and exercise for a week or two and a minor slip-up (say, 2 uzhunnu vadas in the evening) I would berate myself ("you will never lose weight, you are a wimp, you are fat and ugly blah blah blah"), feel really upset, not exercise and gorge myself silly for days together and feel more and more upset. If ever there was a vicious circle, this was one. The silver lining yesterday was that I kept track of my eats, though I was so ashamed and embarrassed about what I ate and I did not even want to post here. I am so glad that I managed to get back on to my regimen almost immediately.

Today, I squashed all the negative thoughts and managed to eat carefully, even kept an eye on the portion size of rice (rather than merely eyeballing the quantity).  I ate a mixed fruit and vegetable salad before lunch and that really filled me up. So I ate only 4 tbsp of rice and did not feel hungry until 3.5 hrs later.Then I had coffee and marie biscuits, a couple of grapes and 2 cashewnuts. I was so tempted to eat the salted cashew nuts, but managed to stop at 2.. In the past three days, I have been eating several salted cashew nuts and it has been on my mind to reduce the quantity.

My immediate and extended family members sometimes  make comments like "oh you are eating so little, but why are you not losing weight?" The problem is this: I binge eat in isolation from other people. So, they see me mostly in my "good eating" avatar. I have told myself that I shall not engage in food "inhalation" while hiding from the world.  Even if the world does not see me on a binge eating marathon, I cannot hide that fat, can I? Henceforth no more of eating in hiding, at least I would feel embarrassed about it when I eat in front of others and that may be a disincentive for the future. 

On a different note, a lot of people cut things out completely from their diet. A friend of mine cut out fried items completely from her diet for ever. She says she has not eaten papadams for three years and once when I offered mixture (chivda) to her when she came home, she said point blank “I do not eat fried food”. Since I am also conscious of health issues, I did not have the heart to say “a little will not do you any harm”. That said, I like fried food, and I will be resentful if told to cut them out completely for the rest of my life. So, I tell myself that I can have them in MODERATION, once I have managed to lose.  I have not figured out what moderation amounts to (is it 2 samosas or 3? once a month or twice a month? etc).  Figuring out that is the least of my worries right now when I am trying to lose weight. But I have a feeling that  I have to be committed throughout my life to keeping track of my food and my weight and exercising if I want to remain healthy and fit. I think I can live with that (but not giving up completely on cheese cake and samosas!).

So, here is my food and exercise journal:

Morning: 1 cup of coffee without sugar

Breakfast:
2 dosas and 2 katori sambhar, 1 cup of coffee without sugar
Handful of grapes, 1 small plantain (njalipoovan)

Lunch:
1 njalipoovan, handful of grapes,
 Salad made of ½ cucumber, 1 small carrot,  1 pear
4 tbspn matta rice, 1 katori sambhar, 1 katori cherupayar (mung daal) ularthi

Early Evening:
I cup of coffee without sugar,  2  salted cashewnuts, 3 grapes and  3.5 marie biscuits

Dinner:
1 chapathi with chickpea masala, 1/2 pomegranate and handful of grapes

Exercise:
45 mins of Leslie sansone, 40 air cycling, 10 crunches
5 mins fast walking with Leslie Sansone